Archive for February, 2015

Recovery dilemmas: Should I stay or should I go?

Feb. 19th 2015

Wealthy, famous, powerful, and addicted

A dilemma is a situation in which somebody must chose one of two or more unsatisfactory alternatives.” Also called a “quandary,” “tight spot,” or “Catch-22.”

 

Many affluent addicts in treatment find themselves in “recovery dilemmas.” These dilemmas stem from conflicts between how we were raised and what we learn is needed to achieve a sober life. These can be presented as choices between actions to take, but I think they really are better described as emotional conflicts between staying in our comfort zone (existing attitudes, behaviors, and social norms) and the fear of trying something new and unknown.

 

The following are common dilemmas those of us with wealth, fame, status, or power encounter when trying to transition into recovery.

 

(Where do we see ourselves when reflecting on these dilemmas?)

 

Shame re: money/status vs. talking about the issues

Money is very confusing to children. They enjoy the material benefits that come with wealth, even though such benefits are unequally distributed among socioeconomic groups. When children are taught it is wrong to think of themselves as superior, those teachings are easily converted into feeling guilty and thinking they are “bad” for enjoying their privileges. Because children think in black and white, this thought process leads directly to shame and a more fragile sense of self.

 

In treatment, we tell ourselves: “I can’t talk about this – both the pleasure from having money and the opposite – the shame from enjoying our privileged status.”

 

The antidote to this disease is honesty. Will our shame keep us sick? Will it keep us from talking?

 

High expectations vs. the disease concept

The burden of high expectations, coupled with much criticism by adults and a never-good-enough educational system, makes it very difficult for us to accept that our behavior stems from having a disease. Instead, we view the problem as the failure to control drinking or use.

 

The resistance to the disease concept also makes it difficult to seek family support: “I never knew my nephew was a heroin addict until he died of an overdose.”

 

Where am I with my beliefs as they relate to control vs. accepting I have a disease?

 

Expected behavior vs. recovery activities

There is a narrow range of acceptable behaviors in all areas (e.g., career, speech, friends, social activities, hobbies, etc.), and many of us in the moneyed class fear deviating from the “norm” and being rejected by our social/business class or by our parents.

 

It’s the “save your face or save your ass” dilemma: “I can’t give up doing what others expect of me. But then I can’t recover that way, either”.

 

Recovery requires taking risks, redefinition of self, and hanging out with others on the same path.

 

Outward appearances vs. internal feelings

Parental absence, isolation, and “don’t trust anybody” rules can lead to shy and lonely adults. This comes across to as being a “snob” or as “not one of us,” particularly in groups. Sadly, this is usually the opposite of what the person intends to communicate.

 

Another result is a superficial sociability, which is also off-putting. These kinds of interactions may be attempts at intimacy, but the truth is that those raised in wealthy culture often do not know how to express feelings. We are at loss to do so: “I feel so cut off, so alone.”

 

Can we talk about why we are unable to talk?

 

Controlled emotions vs. empathy

Repression and control of feelings for us are the social norm (but it’s OK to give reasoned criticism). In trying to show no pain, many often feel no pain. Other times we feel the pain but don’t express it, leading to the same problem.

 

This makes it difficult to empathize with others in groups and form relationships based on expressed feelings: “I feel no emotions.”

 

Stick with the basics: sadness, anger, fear, and joy. Can we be angry about losing our only way of coping? Or is that too embarrassing?

 

What shows is what matters vs. it’s what’s inside that counts

The emphasis on the positive public/social image prevents us from acknowledging the private and personal effects of use and the harm to family members. This attitude often allows the addiction to become so embedded, it is almost impossible to recover. The effects on children are devastating. But “What will they think of us?” predominates.

 

Why wait to address the problem until the overdose, the car wreck, or the cirrhosis goes public? Besides, many people know anyway.

 

Concealing WFSP attributes vs. being real

Limiting what information we share helps avoid resentments but creates an incomplete or misleading “protective” identity in treatment and recovery. This concealment comes at the price of dishonesty and the stress of managing information.

 

We tell ourselves: “I just try to fit in. I won’t talk about the money. It doesn’t matter.”

Can real progress happen with a big piece missing? True acceptance of our disease rarely occurs when so much energy goes into controlling information and the perception of others.

 

If the whole me is not out there, the whole me can’t recover. The missing part will stay in addiction. Worrying about whether they like me won’t get me sober.

 

Limited relationships vs. recovery relationships

Associating with people from similar social or economic backgrounds limits access to meaningful relationships with the whole spectrum of the recovering community. Reality checks offer perspective and balance. Staying within our social set may keep us away from the resentments of others and the feelings of guilt and isolation from being privileged and different, but avoiding these reactions comes at the price of learning about the real world.

 

We must be careful not to try to manipulate our world for the sake of personal comfort: “I don’t relate to those people.”

 

Rejoining the human race around the commonality of shared disease is part of the recovery process. Trusted counselors and peers help teach us how to benefit from group interactions and 12-step meetings.

 

The experience of control vs. the experience of consequences

We are used to exercising power over our environment (control). We make decisions and watch as things happen. However, our consequences remind us that we are not in control. Rather, it is consequences that make the disease a reality. Recovery cannot be controlled, but we can allow ourselves to feel what recovery is like for us.

 

Exercising self-will, thought, and direction is useless for addicts and alcoholics when we want to use: “I know what to do to stay clean or not drink” is a common delusion.

 

How does it feel to be an addict without a drug or drink? What does if feel like to be powerless? Once we let go and begin to experience recovery as it happens, we understand we were never in control.

 

The problem (social) drinker vs. the alcoholic

Affluent culture downplays alcoholic and addicted behaviors, using terms like “problem drinking,” “having a good time,” or saying we “deserves to relax.” The predominant role alcohol plays in social settings and the expectations regarding drinking reinforces concepts of normal use that are, in fact, alcoholic. The point here is naming the behavior and use as addictive.

 

The serious drinker or drugger will socialize with others using at the same level, hide use, and develop dependent business associates, assistants, and family members to avoid being identified as alcoholic or drug addicted: “If I am an alcoholic, so are all my drinking friends.”

 

Who will call it as it really is? And once called, who will stick with it?

 

Public behavior vs. private behavior

If the problem is defined or caused by a public incident or social disgrace, it’s easy to focus on the behavior that caused the incident/disgrace, rather than the big picture. By the time the latter comes into play, there is usually severe emotional, mental, and spiritual degradation.

 

Solving the problem becomes eliminating the public behavior, rather than true recovery: “I will make sure they won’t see me drunk or high again.”

 

The trick here is to move beyond public behaviors or incidents to private/personal conduct, emotions, and mental status – to define us as addicts/alcoholics. Without this transition, motivation to recover is tough to sustain.

 

Looking different vs. identifying with others

Due to the protected environment and lack of consequences resulting from money, power, and status, it can take a long time for use to hit home. That is why we come into treatment sicker than many others. But the tragic irony is that so many of us believe we are better off and different than others in treatment who have experienced serious consequences.

 

This is an illusion is fostered by the ability to maintain outward appearances during heavy drinking and drug use when others cannot: “Who are these people?”

 

The inability to identify with others compromises our learning from them and asking for help.

 

Without money, influence, or friends to cushion our consequences, what would we do for our drug or drink? What would we look like?

 

Pseudo-recovery vs. true recovery

Pseudo-recovery is running a program that looks good to the outside observer. We are socialized to focus on the externals, hang out in the right places, and show no perspiration. Too often the question is, “How should I behave in recovery?” Not, “What do I need to do for recovery?”

 

What does it mean to be in recovery? Who knows the answer?

 

Silence vs. talking (the isolation trap)

We are trained to present everything as fine – at the expense of ignoring personal difficulties and withholding information. But if we don’t talk about issues, we can’t get help. Our counselors/peers are then unable to provide relevant feedback and advice, thus reinforcing our sense of isolation and hopelessness.

           

I can’t talk about these things with my counselor.” Actually, “won’t” is a better word.

 

We are not unique. We fit an all-too-common pattern. Our counselors have heard similar stories many times. The choice is to trust and talk or continue using.

 

Class expectations vs. commitment

The attributes of having money, status, and power and what they bring become ends in themselves. Recovery requires committing ourselves to something we care about outside of our lives that is not based on money, etc.

 

Who am I without my money, status, power, fame, and image?

 

Material success vs. self-esteem

Luxury, money, power, and fame are not fulfilling. Often we lose our sense of inherent value and set out to distinguish ourselves from others by developing false pride base on our name, wealth, or connections, instead of true esteem derived from deeds.

 

People equate material success with well-being: “Look at all I have, I can’t be an alcoholic.” “Look at how well I am doing, I can’t be in relapse.”

 

Rather the opposite is accurate. Early recovery is about limiting our materialistic trappings, resisting contact with outside voices that reinforce the material, and working a comprehensive program as our first priority.

 

Recovery is finding well-being in the non-material activities.

 

A life with WFSP vs. reality

We often are too insulated and lack accurate information about the world. This allows problems and feelings to become magnified and intensified out of proportion. Correction occurs through contact with regular people, particularly those in AA.

 

On the opposite side of this coin, mentoring by others with similar backgrounds has powerful impact because we can no longer use the excuse that money makes us different and, therefore, we can ignore advice on recovery. (This attitude also may be why we don’t want to hang out with our peers in recovery from similar backgrounds – they can call us out.)

 

Are we open to risk exposure to learning opportunities?

 

Institutional power vs. personal inadequacy (pseudo-power)

Often we exercise institutional, professional, or family power, but on a personal level we feel inadequate because we may not have lived up to our own expectations or our values. To compensate for these inadequacies, we can turn to pseudo-power (the arbitrary, self-serving use of power): “Talk to so-and-so. They’ll tell you I can’t do what you are recommending.”

 

But pseudo-power does not work in recovery. This kind of attitude or the actual use of parents, agents, or other outside forces is not going to keep us clean. Some other solution must be found.

 

Are we willing to sit with our feelings of inadequacy long enough to take at look at their origins?

Many tough questions

These are tough questions that many of us face when no longer using and when ignoring them is no longer an option. When people ask “What’s going on?”, often we are mulling over these and similar quandaries in our minds, trying to figure out whom we trust enough to talk them over without being judged or scorned. Should we test the waters with some trial balloons, jump right in, or keep quiet (and keep suffering)? There are no easy answers here in ambivalence land – where staying in the middle of the teeter-totter is only a temporary solution.

Why don’t they change?! – Evaluating the therapeutic environment vs. blaming the addict

Feb. 12th 2015

Wealthy, famous, powerful, and addicted

This phrase – “Why don’t they change?!” – expresses the frustrations many counselors and family members experience when we enter treatment, complete our stay, and then struggle with relapse.

 

  • They tell us we don’t understand the first step, meaning we are unable to talk about or accept our powerlessness over drugs or alcohol or we believe we can control our use of alcohol or drugs by saying, “I’ll do a better job next time.”
  • We also are described as “running our own recovery program” and “unwilling to ask for help or take direction.”

Counselors will say in their treatment meetings that we have not suffered enough or need to go back out and use again so there will be more consequences. Their thinking is that with more consequences, we will admit to powerlessness over use and listen our counselor.

 

In my view, the answer to “Why don’t they change?” lies as much with counselors and the protocols used to treat us as within us. After all, we are the ones who need help, and to reject us out of hand is anti-therapeutic, to say the least – especially given the amount of money charged upfront for treatment. If we seem stuck, resistant, and likely to relapse, a far better approach is to evaluate the treatment setting and see if the right conditions exist to promote change.

Safety and trust

People – even those of us with wealth, fame, status, or power (WFSP) – generally do not change unless they feel safe and trust in their surroundings and counselors enough to risk new behaviors and shed old attitudes.

 

In my experience, there is far too much labeling of us by treatment center staff as uncooperative and far too little self-examination and acceptance of responsibility on the part of counselors and staff for how they can help promote change.

 

This means assessing why change is not happening and how the situation can be modified to help us take the risks and make the emotional shifts necessary to begin recovery.

Accessing emotions

Another impediment stems from the current treatment model, which emphasizes education and information. This is based on the idea that by reading and thinking about addiction, we will be inspired to stop using. To the contrary, we need an approach that builds trust and accesses our emotions – one that is based on relationships with empathetic counselors. While we may be motivated to enter treatment, once there, we need a supportive environment to create the conditions necessary to encourage us to adopt new behaviors.

 

To aid our discussion of these conditions, I developed the accompanying chart (below) with the client in the middle (that’s us), the counselor on the outside, and the interactions between the counselor and client that promote change (in yellow). For the client, there are four factors that set the stage for the change process (in blue) and four counselor attributes needed to encourage us to change. This chart helps in assessing where the blocks are to the change process.

Screen Shot 2015-02-12 at 12.02.45 PM

Conditions for Change for the Client 

  • Safety
  • Time
  • Space
  • Commitment 

Interactions Promoting Change 

  • Content
  • Personal Reflection
  • Dialogue
  • Coaching 

Counselor Attributes Supporting Change 

  • Conviction
  • Real
  • Compassion
  • Integrity

Conditions for Change

The client; the client’s family, social, and business relationships outside of treatment; and the counselor determine these four factors. For example, time can be influenced by how long the client is expected to remain in treatment or spend in recovery activities after treatment. Space is both a function of whether the client is expected to do business or communicate with family and friends while in treatment, as well as whether the client intends to do so or focus on treatment. In contrast, safety is very much influenced by the environment and counseling staff.

 

Safety

Treatment should foster an open environment in which it is safe to speak up without fear of reprisal, retaliation, or personal rejection. This includes:

  • No sharing of information with outsiders.
  • No reactions of resentment, envy, or awe.
  • No asking for money, favors, or a personal relationship.
  • Hearing what is said, not making it “off limits” because it doesn’t fit preconceived ideas about what is supposed to be said in recovery (i.e., talking about how money and privilege has impacted our life and addiction).
  • Setting boundaries.

Safety allows trust to develop. With trust comes the opportunity for honesty.

 

Time

We must allow time for the process of recovery. Getting over the physical affects of drugs and alcohol has little to do with recovery. Living a sober life means:

  • Recognizing the mental, emotional, and spiritual impacts of the disease.
  • Working on changing behavioral patterns from using to “normal.”
  • Learning to have personal relationships based on intimacy.
  • Establishing boundaries with non-WFSP.

These tasks rarely are accomplished in an in-patient program. The usual 28 days in treatment merely provide a foundation for continuing the process in the community.

 

Space

Treatment is supposed to create the space to reflect on core issues where we transition from our heads and into our hearts – where it is OK to feel confused. Having the space to recover means:

  • Getting away from it all.
  • Limited business transactions.
  • Minimal relationship calls.
  • Not using money or prominence in a way that separates us from others.

Allowing space is part of our recovery journey as we begin, over time, to gain insight and feeling into the layers of our experiences.

 

Commitment

Are we willing to do what is necessary for recovery? Committing to the process includes:

  • Recognizing we don’t have the answers.
  • Staying the course without knowing the outcome.
  • Asking for help.
  • Allowing counselors to “encourage” our efforts.

Part of commitment is the courage to try new ways of interacting with others – to engage in trial and error.

Interactions Promoting Change

The counselor’s role is to engage in interactions leading to a change of perspective and, subsequently, behavior. The perspective change may occur during therapeutic encounters or later when we have an opportunity to process our experience. Thus, desired counselor attributes include the ability to communicate and interact with us in ways that support internal change.

 

Content (Information)

This includes what counselors know about the clinical needs and childhood experiences of the affluent, wealthy, and prominent (and how it is different for men and women). By knowing actual content, counselors build trust with patients. Examples:

  • Secrets
  • Lack of consequences
  • Being special
  • How money affects relationships
  • The connection between money, prominence, position, and addiction
  • The resentments and misconceptions of others

And most importantly: how this has impacted our lives.

 

Personal Reflection (Feelings)

Pain and emotional turbulence leads to change. There are countless ways we experience confusion regarding our addiction:

  • This is not how I planned my life.
  • What has happened to me?
  • How did I get here?
  • Why can’t I stop using?
  • Will I ever feel better about myself?

Counselors should be mindful of childhood issues (i.e., where is the pain?) and, for the newly successful, the fear of failure and feeling like a fraud.

 

Dialogue (Intimacy and Honesty)

Through honest discussion, counselors should be able to identify some of the challenges and dilemmas we face in the treatment setting in terms of relating to other patients, staff, and AA attendees. These obstacles can include:

  • Isolation vs. connection
  • Living in images vs. being real
  • Comparing differences vs. seeing similarities
  • Money and fame vs. recovery and humility
  • Remaining static vs. starting the process of insight

Coaching (Model Interactions)

Counselors are tasked with understanding where we are in terms of time, safety, space, and commitment to being in treatment and recovery. The counselor can help suggest words to use and ways to communicate with other patients, staff, and in meetings, such as:

  • Describing life experiences in ways that reduce distractions over details but still convey the meaning.
  • Owning one’s own bottom.
  • Setting boundaries (e.g, saying “no, I am here for treatment, not loans, tickets, or autographs.”).

Counselor Attributes

We often have very low trust levels in helping professionals, as well as the general public. This low trust level results from exploited relationships by counselors and apparent friends. Most of us have developed a “radar” to distinguish between people who are being genuine and those who are presenting a false front (exception: when we are using or with skilled manipulators). Counselors must be absolutely comfortable with their feelings about money and status, and if they cannot treat us without resentments, disrespect, or genuine empathy, they should not take us on as patients.

 

Conviction

Counselors must have confidence in what they are telling their patients and have faith that the information will promote recovery. If they think we do not really have specialized clinical needs, we will pick up on this attitude. Here’s what’s necessary for a counselor to be effective and convincing:

  • They need to walk the walk (and not speak negatively of us when we’re not present).
  • Focus on recovery.
  • Believe what they say.

Real

Putting on a false front to impress a patient or hide insecurities about having a patient who is very wealthy or famous is all too common. We easily see through the façade. Keeping it real includes:

  • No images
  • Humility
  • No hidden agendas

Compassion

An effective counselor needs to understand that money and prominence are barriers to recovery and that every person’s “story” is valid, despite the circumstances. Showing compassion means:

  • Hearing what is being said – not thinking “I wish I had that problem!”
  • Listening without judging.
  • Understanding the difficulties of recovery unique to the patient’s situation.

Integrity

Counselors are here for the patients, not the other way around. Too many times we become a source of vicarious pleasure for the staff. This becomes self-evident and destructive to the counselor-patient relationship. Integrity depends on the following:

  • Boundaries
  • Privacy
  • Focusing on the problems and issues that brought the patient to treatment

Trust comes from integrity, when we can see that the counselor is not focusing on who we are, what we have, and what we’ve done.

The professional’s therapeutic task

Recovery requires effort and commitment on the part of the patient and the counselor – neither can be held solely responsible for the success or nonsuccess of treatment. It’s true that many of us with WFSP show up to treatment with self-imposed limitations and expectations, but it’s a therapeutic task on the part of the professional to convince us to stay, encourage us to let go of our old habits, and to trust the process. But as we all know, trust is hard won, and we need the appropriate conditions. It’s on us to remain open to treatment, and it’s on the professionals to be worthy of our trust.

 

Not many treatment centers are up to the challenge of creating the conditions for change discussed here. But once a safe and trusting treatment environment is established, it’s up to us to choose to venture into the uncharted territory of recovery and say goodbye to our using lifestyle, friends, and ways of thinking.

 

Upcoming blogs will delve into dilemmas that inhibit our ability or willingness to commit to recovery.

Recovery ambivalence: a rich man’s son

Feb. 2nd 2015

Wealthy, famous, powerful, and addicted

I might start off by giving the experience of a man whom I have not seen for two or three years. His experience so well illustrates the nature of the problem with which we have been dealing. This man was a rich man’s son. …

 

Well, he did a conventional amount of drinking, and that went along nicely a number of years, and then he found he began to get drunk, very much to his own consternation. …

 

I have indicated, I think, that he was a person of character, and great force of character. Therefore the question immediately arises in everyone’s mind: “Why didn’t he stop?” But he did not. … [L]ittle by little, matters got worse and he began to go from one hospital or cure to another.

 

And the very strange thing is that while this is going on, many of us seem to all outward appearances to be sound and able citizens in other matters. Our minds waver, and we wonder what in thunder is the matter.

 

This quote from Bill Wilson’s presentation at the Rockefeller dinner in 1940 introduces the second section of our “Wealthy, famous, powerful, and addicted” series: Ambivalence!

 

After previously exploring barriers to quitting drinking and drugging or entering treatment, we now turn to the next challenge: ambivalence about whether we actually want to stop using and commit to recovery.

 

Do we truly want the drug-free lifestyle, or would we rather return to substance use – although modified, “under control,” and less visible?

 

Ambivalence commonly occurs after detox, once the drugs are out of our system. We’re already feeling so much better – relieved to have dodged that bullet. But our emotions are raw, and our coping mechanisms and reliable friends are gone. Now what?

The internal tug of war

A tug of war starts with competing voices in our head, as the enormity of the task sinks in. Having money or connections heightens the challenge, providing so many options for figuring out how to get away with it, to deceive ourselves, family, and friends, and to return to our old ways of being. And the shame of falling from high places and ever regaining our standing, combined with the shame of being an addict, makes it all the more difficult to choose to face the reality of our lives.

 

Aside from this internal debate, there are many external pressures – family, social milieu, profession, business, media, etc. – that bear on us when contemplating embarking on a sober life. In the book, The Power of Habit, the author points out that we have limited amounts of energy to learn new behaviors. If we are dedicating a great deal of this energy to fending off external forces that cue using triggers or distract us from our chosen path, we don’t have enough left to win the internal battle.

Outside forces

While future blogs will explore this internal struggle, this one focuses on the many ways outside forces undermine recovery, essentially tipping our ambivalence over to the dark side. Having seen this happen over and over again, the remainder of this blog aims to support those of us exposed to these pressures.

 

From brain scan research, personal experience, and observation, we can answer Bill Wilson’s question of what in thunder is the matter with this rich man’s son: a level of external pressure that can make attaining a sober life near impossible.

 

We now know that using drugs repeatedly over time changes brain structure and function in fundamental and enduring ways that persist long after the individual stops using. Core areas of the brain are reprogrammed so that in the presence of “environmental cues,” we will want to use mood-altering substances. Even after long periods of abstinence, brain scans show that the “craving” areas of our brains light up in the presence of alcohol and drugs in ways unique to us addicts.

 

Too often parents, employers, or media all pay lip service to supporting our recovery, but their behavior belies their verbal encouragement. In reality, we are supposed to go off to treatment and then return to our normal lives – just not drinking or drugging. It’s easy for us to buy into this scenario, as we long for acceptance and try to get back into their good graces, rather than focus on the danger our old life poses to our hard-won “days” of new freedom.

 

How many times have I heard:

 

“My family/law firm/production company/business wants me back, or there will be repercussions.”

 

Or how about:

 

“If I don’t go to my family’s vacation home in Hilton Head for the annual reunion, my parents will cut me off.”

 

Sad, ignorant, and perverse, yes – but all too frequent. We are expected to pick right back up as if nothing happened. Whether self-imposed or required, premature exposure to our “craving cues” leads to relapse.

‘Do you mind if I have just one?’

How many times do friends and relatives ask that question at cocktail hour or when out to dinner? While we have no choice but to tolerate other people drinking in our presence, why drink at all around a friend or loved one in early recovery?

  • Show some respect for what we’ve been through and for the power of the disease.
  • For families where drugs and alcohol have caused so much harm to so many, set an example.

After 19 years of saying “Go right ahead,” on my birthday, I finally said, “Yes, I do mind.” It felt liberating.

Navigating the social scene

At larger family functions, where alcohol flows freely, often 30 percent or more – depending on your definition of substance dependence and how self-serving the answer is – are alcoholic. (Excluding those dependent on pills or weed.)

  • How about the great uncle spotted with a tall glass filled with vodka at the holiday party?
  • Or the cousin with pinpoint pupils toasting his father?

What’s that? Nobody wants to know. The senior leaders who can set an example or chart a different course turn a blind eye. Then they ask where you are. Sayonara – that’s what I say, but many feel we must remain and endure.

 

For those of us encouraged to maintain our social connections, friends ask us to join them, telling us they’ll make sure we only drink Pepsi. As an added bonus, we can drive them home! Or we can join them at the 19th hole or country club lunch and drink Perrier. Yeah, right. And then they wonder why we are drinking “again.”

 

Some of us also face our friends, family, and colleagues inserting themselves into our recovery program/plan.

  • How about the mother who wanted her daughter only to attend high-end AA meetings?
  • Or the producer who pressures his newly minted 28-day graduate movie star into attending the media tour, promising a sober companion?

In these instances, we are treated as commodities to save face or earn money – they don’t appreciate that this is a life and death matter.

No wonder

We are supposed to say nothing, fit in, and resume our old lives. No wonder there is so much relapse. No wonder people are convinced treatment is a failure. Do you get it? Our external environment – our social life, family, and economic pressure – works against us.  Even when we learn new responses to these “cues,” our brain unconsciously registers them. Our will to stay clean can collapse, and we succumb to our internal voice that says, “Hey, this time it will be different. This time I can handle it.”

 

I will say this to you, dear readers:

 

For families with loved ones in early recovery, gladly join in abstaining and finding enjoyable activities to engage in that do not involve going to bars and parties. Reorient your life to one that supports sobriety. Do this for several months, and for the next few years don’t drink in the presence of your loved one. Consider having at least one alcohol-free social event at family gatherings and setting time aside for a 12-step meeting.

 

For those of us with “the problem,” it really helps to have an intermediary – a savvy person who can fend off outside pressures and explain that recovery is the top priority for now. This intermediary can be the one to tell our friends and family to leave us alone, to focus on healing from our disease, and of course to vociferously object to any reprisals for putting our health first.