Understanding Our Underlying Drivers of Addiction
Family Culture/Poor Parenting Breeding Grounds For Addiction
Hard to believe well-off families are breeding grounds for behavioral health disorders. Society equates money with happiness. But we know better – we live the experience – and our challenges – drinking, drugging, depression – reflect our reality. However, this knowledge alone does not lead to stable recovery. We face three hurdles.
- Accepting our upbring and experiences harmed us. People tell us we are lucky, we see we are better off than others and we tell ourselves we have no problems – life is good, or at least it’s not as bad as life for regular folks
- Making the connection between what drives our using/destructive behaviors and our upbringing – what happened to us growing up.
- Finding empathetic, supportive, trusting help to work through the first two hurdles.
In these blogs, my goal is to explore wealthy family culture with its unwritten rules, accepted understandings and how it might impact our addictions and our recovery.
The DoughNuts – The Experience of Inherited Wealth
In the ‘70’s I joined a self-support group of young adults who grew up in business and trust families, were active in social change movements, and felt out of place in their families. Hard for us to accept the message that the rich are evil, when we did not feel evil. Yet at the same time we felt disconnected from our parents and social setting, leaving many vulnerable to exploitation by spiritual and movement leaders.
Called the “DoughNuts” (get it?), we would meet for several days at a time, sharing our stories and experiences, including parental neglect and resentments directed at us due to our family circumstances – Rich Kid! One member, Joanie Bronfman, surveyed our group and wrote her thesis “The Experience of Inherited Wealth”, on all aspects of growing up in wealthy families. It is a gold mine for identifying numerous potential triggers that might influence recovery.[i]
Just as Joanie revealed the dark sides of affluent culture, so to, for us to recover, we must become honest – no more lies or half-truths about our lives. But most treatment providers will not discuss “money” or other concerns (Quit your whining, first world problems, etc.) I stand for up for the right to tell the truth about my life regardless of what others think. Recovery is about telling our story and being accepted for who we are, no matter our economic status- which is why this blog. Have money or a name – this is your place to learn.
Example: Nannygate Defenestration –
You may ask yourself, what is a clinical issue that an affluent patient might raise in treatment that leads to resentment by peers and staff? Here is a common one.
Many wealthy mothers delegate child-care to a nanny with the result being the child feels much closer to the nanny then his/her mother. When some mothers figure this out, they fire the nanny. Eleven-year-old goes to summer camp, returns to find her long- term nurse was fired. Never said goodbye to her. From the child’s perspective, it’s as if a parent has died. The parental bond is broken, leading to significant attachment disorders. And when Mom does try to take over, she often lacks the time or interest to be a parent (which is why she had a nanny take over in the first place.)
Try explaining this in group or to a counselor! Talk about abuse – it’s retraumatizing for the patient. Treatment centers are unsafe places for the affluent and prominent. Families need to understand this. You are sending your loved ones to a hostile environment, and it makes recovery near impossible. Which is why so many rich people go to so many treatments. How did I handle anti-rich prejudice? I played hockey and football in high school and learned to deal with it in sports.
The Treatment Reform War: Address Clinical Issues – ASAM Requirement
Traditional In-patient and AA-Al-Anon do not address our clinical issues.
- We never talk about money in treatment. Heard that many times.
- Our Get off the pity pot. AA slogan.
No interest, nor any expertise – to emphasize- one reason for poor outcomes. AA is not a clinically driven program. It is self-help. When opposition arises to using clinically trained professionals keep the argument focused on the ASAM standards as evidence- based criteria developed by the medical profession.
To review, the new, reform model, uses American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM) assessment and placement standards to evaluate people seeking SUD treatment.
- ASAM Dimension 3 assesses psychiatric and cognitive conditions by evaluating co-occurring mental health issues like emotional, behavioral, cognitive, and trauma-related problems.[ii]
The assessment determines if these symptoms are a direct result of substance use or if they indicate a separate, concurrent mental health disorder that requires specific mental health services in addition to addiction treatment.
Now let’s look at our experience growing up in well off and well-known.
Wealthy Culture Provides Perfect Environment for Alcoholism and Addiction
Mirrors alcoholic family culture with its “no talk” rules, focus on appearances and sweeping problematic behaviors under the rug. Alcohol and pills are the social lubricants that make living tolerable (until they don’t). Common in wealthy families for 50% or more to struggle with behavioral health disorders.
Substance Use Disorders and Mental Health Disorders
Problems of mental health – alcoholism and suicide. Many wealthy families evidenced significant psychological distress:
- Parental neglect common in wealthy families
- Pressure on upper class to be perfect. Mental illness, however, has a stigma attached to it. Feeling of “spoiled identity” can lead to suicidal feelings. Can’t ask for help.
Prescription medication abuse is now a major concern, not just alcohol. It’s hard to accept our parents neglected us when the outside world is telling us how wonderful they are. Must mean we are not important to them. Not just wealthy families, politicians also generate high rates of addiction in off-spring because they are never home, and everyone tells them how wonderful they are.
Social Lubricant: The Role of alcoholism/pills in wealthy/upper class society
- Sociability – important in upper class society (parties, fund raising, business, volunteer work). May be difficult for shy people who grew up in homes where there was a lack of intimacy. Alcohol makes social interactions easier
- Helps keep up the appearance that everything is fine
- Makes it possible to deny one’s feelings
- Makes it possible to remain in intolerable situations which one might otherwise be compelled to change
Alcohol is the Social Lubricant. It’s how people tolerate cocktail parties (and often their spouses). Take away the drugs and the air exit the balloon. Parents pressure their adult children in early recovery to resume their social schedule, attending family reunions and friends’ events.
Wealthy Family Culture Similar to Alcoholic Family Culture: No Talk
Similarity between behavior patterns in wealthy culture and alcoholic families:
- Need to present everything as fine to the outside world
- Reluctance to talk about painful things
- Strong conditioning to repress feelings
- Difficulty achieving intimacy
Common for close relatives to be kept in the dark, particularly for drug users. Uncle re deceased heroin addict. Never knew he had a problem. Addiction flourishes in secrecy and the wealthy keep many, even from their own children. Professionals advising families are kept out of the loop, often leading to bizarre scenarios. A wealth advisor leading a family on a “values” session to establish a family mission when all three offspring are high on drugs – no one picked up on it.
Wealthy homes provide the perfect environment for alcoholism. When there is alcoholism, family members are unlikely to address the problem.
- Families are reluctant to refer to problem drinkers as alcoholics
- Considerable drinking is tolerated and approved of unless it results in private behavior
- Drunken behavior may be more tolerated in men.
- Wealth may make it easy to escape the consequences
- Own boss – no one to insist on performance
- Status makes others reluctant to comment
- Can do what is necessary to cover up alcoholism
Few external consequences from using, so disease (use) progresses on more rapidly than for other groups.
Treatment for the Affluent?
Treatment centers cater to our personal comforts, not our clinical needs. They sell luxurious settings, flexible scheduling, and low intensity treatment, often with medications making problems worse. Some treatment centers specialize in business executives and the wealthy, but their programs tend to be more marketing than substance when asked about their clinical protocols.
Very difficult to find empathetic therapists. Word of mouth sometimes works. Ask the uncomfortable question about attitudes towards the wealthy and our culture. The main take away here is to find someone who can help you with your clinical issues – the trauma driving your use. It’s OK to talk about your nanny being disappeared on you. Cry, get mad whatever. Speak your truth. But if your vibe on doing so is negative – find another therapist.
[i] The Experience of Inherited Wealth: A Social-Psychological Perspective (Joanie Bronfman, Ph.D., 1987)
[ii] www.asam.org/asam-criteria